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#fly 2 // #demo

by xcollyx

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1.
It’s another Friday night and i’ll probably have to go outside 'cause honestly I am so bored and alone I’ll probably have to go get boba alone at the same place that we used to go to every other Saturday morning or afternoon just working on homework filling out job apps telling stupid jokes just to make each other laugh but that was like way back in November then it was December then January then February then finally fucking March and now we’re broken up now we’re broken up now we’re broken up inside and it’s funny how we fell apart from the inside watch each other burn and break from the inside I saw you fall apart from the inside you saw me fall apart 'cause when I stopped sleeping over that’s when it got worse stop sleeping over that’s when it gets worse put your guard up now put your fists up now get your guard up gotta keep your guard up now.
2.
Switching train cars taking chances chances aren't far get your eyes locked for a second hold it loose there on the white girl with the brown hair feeding fighting fleeing fucking wondering who you are thinking something feeling nothing when I write these stupid songs I have this dream where Lizzie grabs ours hands she says I forgive you now forgive each other then I look into my ex's eyes for the first and probably last time I saw the back of this girl's head and it reminded of how I try and get over girls by talking to other girls or watching girls or being sexist and every time I hang with Matt we talk it through again again with tapioca, coffee, soda take straw out tip the cup back and chew the ice with no reluctance take straw out tip the cup back and chew the ice with all the madness take straw out tip the cup back and chew the ice ignore her and now I'm here again.
3.
Our old pastor told this joke that some weeks he checks and hopes while he’s reading the obituary his name’s not there they laugh he carries on to his main point but I didn’t really listen 'cause I didn’t wanna listen but I probably should’ve really listened ‘cause some day he might die he’s like seventy nine yeah some day he will die he’s like seventy nine and I won’t fly back here I probably won’t even hear about it and I won’t fly back here I probably won’t even hear about it he said there’s something about singing songs that makes me feel like I belong here I said as long that there’s a kick drum pounding my face until it’s numb I belong here as long as there are walls that keep all the bad noise out and the auto-tune is measured and erases all my doubt I keep pouring into you but I am close to running out and I am probably gonna die here while you are missing out and you won’t fly back there you probably won’t even hear about it you won’t fly you won't hear.
4.
It's another Monday night that I’ve decided to shave because I can’t work from home tomorrow I am trying to read a collection of letters by my favorite suicidal author and I am writing a book about growing up even though I had a decent father but maybe sixty thousand words won’t ever change a thing and maybe Five Long Years wasn’t good enough to sing so what’s the point? if none of this gets better and none of this gets practiced and all of it just ends up in the trash what’s the point if none of this matters?
5.
We graduated loved what we hated slept in a bunk bed and never abandoned our friends we're so loyal and drunk and alone but god sort of loves us and mom says she proud dad's still around but he's so old now and it's so old now and it's so old now, oh I'm turning twenty four this year and making plenty money here new Star Wars comes out this year but it feels like light years home from here.
6.
She says I know it’s been like ten or twenty years but tell me something honest for once and I know you got these fears of being judged sweetie, but I promise I’ll only ask you once he said, Captain Planet's probably gonna kill me for everything I’ve done to my world you’re my new world now I’ve eaten so many planets like a leech I’m a leech I'm like three hundred pounds and he knows he won’t ever have the guts to look her in the eyes he knows he won’t ever have the guts to look her in the eyes her piercing eyes I got a star-level temper and anxiety disorder I can’t love you forever and these cigarettes will kill me it’ll be quick and sudden I am only getting older and your eyes are like nothing but a chip on my shoulder it’ll be quick and sudden I am only getting older and your words are just a burden it's only getting slower I thought it’d be quick and sudden it’s only getting slower it's only getting slower it's only getting slower it's only getting slower now and he knows he won’t ever have the guts to look her in the eyes–it’s pathetic but he knows he won’t ever have the guts to look her in the eyes her piercing eyes.
7.
Bitter for the rest of my life eight songs off the record anything to make it right not a big deal it could be worse than knowing what we want to sign up for every chance that you said no to everything to make it right try and make me talk and think at the same time and all my friends are feeling tired sort of dead but death inspired hanging from wire on a landline alone and hanging with a friend on a dying phone stuck at the restaurant let myself get caught fucked at the restaurant I just want what you want wish I had the guts that Chris had wish I sang the way that he sang wanna talk the way that he talks wanna yell the way that he yells please forgive him don’t you want old friends? call me Sunday I wanna hang I don’t care what gets lost just keep my stuff and let me hang with my worthless-- please forgive him don’t you want old friends? call me Sunday I wanna hang I don’t care what gets lost just keep my stuff and let me hang with my bitter friends bitter for the rest of my life eight songs off the record anything to make it right not a big deal it could be worse.
8.
I said enough’s enough but on this night you are a hunter I am going with my gut but I know we’re gonna suffer I am trying to be better I don’t feel like I’m a person I am looking at the letters when the words are so much worse than how it feels to be controlled how it feels to be alone how it feels to be ignored how it feels to hold a phone hold me down hang me up fling me over fold me under hold me down hang me up just rehearse it like another he gets headaches like a Psyduck when he’s mad I know that i’m fucked he’s above me and it hurts me but I didn’t want to suck I am trying to be better I don’t feel like I’m a person I am looking at the letters when the words are so much worse than you

about

This is a demo version of #fly 2 (sequel to the unreleased "five long years").

Physical copies are available only in Net MD (minidisc) format. This a homemade duplication on Fujifilm MDs, transferred in SP format. Covers were cut, stitched, and inked by hand.

You can buy your copy here: xcollyx.tumblr.com/fly2demo

Thank you everyone for your support.

Special thanks to Half Cat Media along with Elise & Nate (again) for their infinite encouragement, friendship, and inspiration.

credits

released June 25, 2016

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xcollyx Los Angeles, California

no puedo morir

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